I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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