I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Actions speak louder than pants.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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