He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
