if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
