Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
