A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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