when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
