That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
Randomize
