So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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