god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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