i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I need to sanitize my soul.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
