Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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