none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Randomize
