I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Randomize
