mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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