I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
