Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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