the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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