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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
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