Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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