Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
