I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
did i just pee glitter
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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