I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Randomize
