he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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