i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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