i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Randomize
