he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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