I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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