My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Randomize
