I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
