that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
