Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
