On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
