mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Randomize
