Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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