I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
