My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Will exercising make me less horny?
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