She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Randomize
