You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
