I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
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