i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
