I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
