I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
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