I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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