Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
