So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
i now understand why vodka
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
