This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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