Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
