I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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