I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
